Tuesday, March 4, 2014

MY BIGGEST ENEMY

Instagram: Lannie_Lane what my back
needs. #scoliosis #dealingwithpain #dancerslife
#ttlc #winterwonderland 
It's been too long since writing to you all. I have been busy with school these few months getting through the very last bit and finally being finished for at least a while. Alex and I have been working hard on our dances for competition season. Which began two months ago here in Utah. We have been practicing every day and training with some amazing coaches. We are excited to get back on the floor.

I am working out everyday and now even started getting into pull ups to help with the main areas on my back. With all the dancing and teaching I am doing my back has become stronger. I am still feeling discouraged at times when my back decides to act up. The burning and tiredness tends to set in after a hard morning or day but seem to always find a reason to keep going. 

I have had a few fearful times now and then... getting back into the groove of things. I have felt people's prayers and support. I have a lot of people watching me to see how far I can actually take myself and how I am functioning. When people start asking me about how dance is going, I quickly say "Great!" Not really allowing them to know how much pain I may be hiding behind the forced smile on my face.  

It has been rough this winter season. I have become my own weather station detecting when the pressure changes and when the barometer drops. I feel my back tightening up or spasms as the muscles surrounding the hardware begins to inflame. I jokingly say, "Quick I need some oil, I am becoming the tin man" almost feeling rustic and needing a good tin grease down.


Enoch and I at the Ice Castles in Midway
Feeling discouraged, I tend to not allow these days stop me from achieving what I was sent out to do but I do find it a little more difficult to manage. My daily routine tends to shift quickly once the body takes over and I am forced to lie down and take breaks.


What a year it has been. To even think this time last year I was still in bed needing help to sit up and get through the day. People often tell me how time has gone by so fast and then ask me if it has gone by as fast for me. Honestly, time has been slow because each day since my surgery has been a challenge. I am forced to focus on a new, same or old challenges to cope through the day. Looking back on everything that I have learned this past year; learning how to roll over, how to sit up, walk, dance, manage pain, and learning the meaning of patience has taught me a great deal of progressing.

It is a mind game. Often times I have had thoughts of giving up or feeling negative about myself. One night after long day of studying and dancing I was unable to sleep. Negative thoughts began to run through my head, doubting myself and wanting to give up. I felt my body begin to break down and I began to cry. My life felt upside down and I was all of a sudden overwhelmed by everything or the lack of everything I was invested in. I was falling behind in school, dance, and being the wife and friend I wanted to be for my husband, sisters, family members or friends to others.  Overcome by these thoughts that began to run through my mind I tore off a paper towel and began to write down my brain work. But instead of writing the negative thoughts I began to write down, "I can and I am" along with my faltering thoughts. As I was writing more positive things down repeating the words as I continued to write, my negative thoughts started to vanishing and my doubts were disappearing. 



Doubting yourself can only make things worse. It is always easier said than done. If we are still breathing and alive, we all will face discouragements in our life and maybe more than others. I believe that doubt comes from discouragement and discouragement may even come from doubt. No matter the situation you may be in, you must not let it run your life. 

I can't imagine how unhappy I would feel if I allowed myself to let fear take over.  I am making myself get over those fears day by day. If I feel frighten of "it" or doubt, I have to attack it, because I'm terrified that it will take over my life and spread in other areas. 

So what am I so afraid of? Not being my best. I have realize that you can't get rid of those nerves. They are there for a reason and with out those nerves and without that fear I wouldn't be where I am today. "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop and look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear can be your worst enemy or your best friend. If you can believe in something great, you can achieve something great. The bad that comes from the good is part of the journey. Isn't it all about what you get out of the journey that can define who you will become? I guess this just means I must be going through a big change in my life. Still living to the fullest and fighting a great fight. Not knowing what the future has in store for me but excited for the new adventure. 


Exciting news to come next few days!! 





2 comments:

dolcepeter said...

Brought tears. Thanks I needed this. We love you

Alayne Wadsworth said...

I am so glad this was a help. Its rough at times. I sure hope your staying strong and all is well. Love you all too.